Good. it’s a full moon and things are actually improving. strange. must get back to watching CSI. looking forward to the wedding and the weekend!

there is seems to be some family drama taking place 6thousand miles away from me over the last post. from what i am hearing people are now *concerned* for my mental health over that post. i was also told that this would give my out of touch distant family ammunition-for what?

if you don’t want to come to my wedding-than simply don’t. because you actually don’t want to know me as a woman and survivor of domestic violence which in the end Forced me to relocate to the West coast. believe me moving this far away was not my idea. it came from court appointed social workers, my trauma therapist and people that where concerned that i would end up dead by the hands of my father.

i no longer live with shame, guilt over what i write in my blog or how express myself. statics show that i could have wound up dead before the age of 21 or a drug addict, a prostitute or i could have wound up a street kid in NYC.

because of what i grew up in. if you want to know Who I am than you should read all my blogs-as i have one on blogspot and one on wordpress.

if you have any questions about my mental health or how i am feeling than send me an email don’t go through my parents. ask me. if you don’t want to come to my wedding because i am adult survivor who has affects of mental illness you’re to busy educate yourself about or you want to know me.

i won’t get angry-that’s a waste on an emotion towards someone i know barely know. i will be disappointed and sad. because of the indifference and total lack of respect towards me. it’s not my choice it’s actually all yours.

so, here i am on the East coast a place i have come to dread visiting. while looking around the house today i discovered several books that my mom had put in my parents collection that are mine. then i take a look in her home *office* and discover that she has a book-called When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us by some pop shrink named Jane Adams.

the irony of this discovery is that parents never held me as a child-nor did they teach me how to let go of someone so i have discovered in the last 10 years that i have issues with abandonment something which comes from the fact that my mother has lied to judges, police and court mandated social workers about my father’s heavy fist. she never once defended me from him nor asked him to stop. in my 20’s after he nearly killed me i tried in vain to convince myself that my mother was a *good* person. the truth is that Good people don’t allow over 20 years of psychological, physical and emotional abuse. that does not a good person make.

i despise my parents to such a extent that they will not be allowed access to my child if i have one. after experiencing a lifetime of abuse by them why would i trust them with my own children?! after the assault of 1997 for which my father walked. i made an oath to myself that they would never have access to my children. it’s like putting a child in with a pedophile and then wonder why the child was molested. my parents have never shown me that they *want* to change. neither one wants to go to counseling because i have learned from my life in the shrinks chair that my anger towards my parents is Rational and Justified.

it’s funny how my parents dumped me  into the therapists chair for most of my life because they wanted me to figure out my anger. what i have learned in the last 10 years that my anger towards them is justified for many reason. i have also learned that i have no real reason to trust my mother. she would always either part take in the abuse or watch from peanut gallery with my sister. something that started when i was very young. if i asked for something they would humiliate me and make me feel awkward and weird for wanting that. my mother did this as recently as yesterday.

so-what life lessons have i learned. that love shouldn’t come with a fist, guilt trip abusive behavior. i learned from other adults other than my parents how good parents actually are towards their kids. they encourage, communicate and are there for their kids no matter what. i have a good example of this-a friend of mine with a son who maxed out a credit card a few years back when he was sick. she is paying it off one payment at a time. when i became homeless a few years ago my disassociated mother visited me for a week when i was over-medicated and when she left i went back to the street shelter and became suicidal. something i will Never Forget. hence-that does not a good grandmother make.

i am looking forward to the elation i will feel when i leave CT in a few days. i always feel elation when i leave. my heart has never had a Real-Safe-Home until now. what i had learn since my house when i was a child was never safe. it’ll be great to see the mountains, feel the Spring rain and feel safe. no nightmares to plague me or hallucinations from the stress of constantly being lied to.