i have been spending time sipping coffee & doing everyday things-although watching the stock market plummet& houses no longer selling, buses getting crowded & people’s tempers flaring is scary. i just try to Breathe through the scary parts.

i take each day in steps, i get up-grab a shower, walk the dog & figure out what i am going to do.  when i go for coffee in the morning i try to stay in the moment because that is the most important place to be.

i am learning about my illness & about myself. i have been watching presidential politics with a sigh as the attack ads are only getting worse the closer we come to the election. i was thinking about writing a political blog until i realized that everyone was doing it& i didn’t want to jump on that bandwagon.

instead i am thinking about the next 2 weeks & keeping my fingers crossed that all goes well on my trip-of course i will miss Good coffee but other than that i am really looking forward to it. hopefully i will have more fodder for my entries that are not politically motivated or related to my illness. today is a good day!

this is my second time writing this entry-i wasn’t happy with the first one & realized that i missed my goal of what i wanted to say. in my last post i wrote about paranoia which i have aspects of but not to the point that it cripples my day to day activities or what i want to accomplish. i had a friend of mine email me lately & ask if i was hearing or having any auditory hallucinations. something that i have experienced the last year in an off/on kind of way. i happy to write that not recently & not in the last month. something i consider i a milestone as i thought i may be under more pressure & instead i have been under less.

some days i have a tough time navigating public transportation, recently i rode the bus & was forced to stand for most of my bus ride. intially i was having Fear because i was standing& then i realized that i was okay that there was other people standing on the bus with me & i was offered a seat on the bus that i took. it was in the place i am most uncomfortable sitting; the Very back. an eventful bus ride-as i was sharing the back with a woman that had gone shoplifting with her beau & her son. however, she is no longer selling cocaine so i guess that is a plus-if one can call it that?

i am no longer fond of malls& the main areas around them. i avoid crowded stores but recently went into one & it wasn’t until i was checking out that i realized Just How Crowded . i just focused had a small conversation & was pretty okay. the fear i sometimes have didn’t creep in that time either. dealing with my mental illness means that i do fear more than i have paranoia. it’s about the next 6 months & what is going to happen with my life& what i need to do to take charge of it. i have to come up with a plan, something i haven’t had the chance to think about in the last year & now i do. maybe i should get serious about my book or maybe i need to go back to school & start the next part of my life in a different chapter. either way it’s time for me to make some serious decisions & stick to them.

i was diagnosed with my mental illness last summer & am finally becoming more comfortable with who i am & where i am going. i went to one of my favorite cafe’s where i ran into a few people i know & some that i would rather forget. a few years back i was i attempted friendship with a woman that on the outside APPEARED normal-but underneath was nowhere near it. i didn’t spend time with her because she was continually stalking her former lover, what she proclaimed to be a man of wealth that had tossed her aside-a rejection she couldn’t take.

in the VERY few months that i spent time with her she routinely changed her cell phone number-or changed phone& her employeers where always undermining her work & her progress. i don’t recall what transpired or what our falling out was, i do however recall calling her & her number had been changed Yet again. i just gave up-& shrugged her off. today, she reminded me of me a few years back, when i would routinely change my phone number because i had paranoid thoughts that didn’t make any sense. until i came upon the number i have now. a number i have no interest in changing.

what she reminded me of-& who she is scares me, her obsession with her former lover, renting out her house to random strangers & constantly feeling stalked is a sign of schizophrenia& intense & disturbing anxiety. today, she refused to acknowledge me, i doubt she even remembers who i am, she looked she had developed a meth habit & looked unhealthy. i sat outside the cafe& breathed a collective sigh of relief that she is no longer in my circle of friends. paranoia like the type she exhibits is destructive, her constant harassment of her former lover was something i found disturbing until i realized that she is a GOLD digger& not a very good one.

having my mental illness & being told that i am in good recovery was a great sign for me today, i was told i should do advocacy because i accomplished things for myself without the need of getting help. i am happy because this fall is going to be great, i am really looking forward to my new beginning& i am debating going back to school, seriously this time. i no longer feel like i am constantly being stalked or followed, i also don’t think that i can rule the world from my cell phone. i wake up in morning & deal with life as it comes-but i also recognize how grateful i am for friends i do have& the ability to see how mental ill someone was & my guess still is.

i am looking @ myself & not being afraid of what i see-because i am proud of the things i have accomplished. my steps are no longer small, they are powerful strides& because i am comfortable with who i am where i am going for the first time in 2 years i am not afraid of the future, not even running into people who are schizophrenic-because i may have my moments BUT my phone number won’t be changing because i do.