i am relieved that i am no longer in a transitional housing. that i am applying for grad school and that i have a small part-time job. that i have good friends and a supportive family. that i no longer wonder what the next night will be like. that i am stable and functioning& productive. i am starting to feel happy for the first time in a long time. things are looking up. i am also going to get back to the drawing board & write. i am grateful that i am in the place i am at. thankful. really thankful.
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i am sitting in a cafe, filled with anticipation of what will happen this afternoon. maybe it’s the conspiracy theorists next to me or the small talk around me? i lack concentration this is the 5th time i am attempting to write. i no longer write my blog in word & then cut & paste; i dare to write off the cuff without doing that. hence-Mistakes. something that happens when you’re writing without wondering how it is coming out. half the difficulty in writing is not knowing what to write.
i keep deleting what i have written & start over. today, is then a foggy day& my concentration is skating from being focused to being out of focus. i am getting used to having days that are foggy. i focus on the basics when i have hazy days. when i have clear days i feel like i can accomplish anything & nothing is standing in my way. today is a hazy day-i am getting worried about things i have no need to worry about & over process situations rather than taking them at face value.
i happy though-my concentration is mending which is good because i need it for this afternoon. even though i have felt hazy i am starting to feel better.
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compare. compare. compare. i have been doing this for over 2 years, not seeing myself worth-but comparing myself to people with i think has more than what i have. i do it with friends i have known for years-who have jobs i will never land. it’s something i am going to try to stop. even though it will be hard-it is effecting myself esteem & my goals. i am sitting in cafe& immediately began doing it as there is a successful woman sitting next to me who is good @ what she does.
i am lucky, i have a roof over my head, a safe place to be& have begun applying for grad school. i am doing a little bit everyday. small steps. i am also starting to realize that i need to look at myself as a capable person, i need to see beyond my illness as i am high functioning & good with people. i am still capable & i have a support people that believe in me. maybe i need to start believing in myself for a change & not always taking myself for granted.
when i compare myself i don’t see what i am capable of-or what my goals are. when i start comparing myself i don’t see my own beauty nor my own intellect. whenever i get complimented i can’t take the compliment-i don’t actually say Thank You & accept it. it’s something i Need to start to do, to see myself. i have survived living out of a backpack in shelter, i have been in the poorly run transitional program that gave me a roof over my head but No Goals, no ideas for my future.
now i have goals & one of them being is not comparing myself. i need to grateful for what i still have. solace in the fact that i am capable, funny& smart. someday may be i will live in a house that is mine, until then i will focus on Everyday& that a year has passed & i am in a better place, physically & mentally that i have been in a long time. grateful. grateful. grateful.
