Recently I have begun to think back on my 20’s in CT, when I was young & foolish. How many people that showed up in my life that are no longer in it. For various reasons too long to mention here. Then there are those that are still in my life from that time & for them I am eternally grateful. I had a lot of chaos in my early 20’s & also suffered a severe assualt that I will have to live with the rest of my life.

Inter-sections are interesting, I have often wondered what if I chose differently but I had pretty strict dating rules & 3 strikes & you’re out, just like in baseball. I feel lucky with that, that I was unwilling to compromise my standards for others. I remember a guy who shall remain nameless who I had a one night stand with & he was a carrier of an sti. I got very sick from that one night stand & I found out months afterwards that he wanted to be with me, but I had already moved on.

When I met him his relationship was in shambles & I wasn’t willing to nurse his broken ego or be a rebound for him to spring himself to the next relationship. It didn’t help that he cheated on his current gf with me after she had apparently cheated on him & caught an sti. No, my young mind could only see the drama & I didn’t want to be part of it. The one night stand has haunted me though, maybe because of the sti that I caught or what transpired within weeks of me getting really sick.

I look back & wonder if I made the Right decision to walk away from him; or if I should have stayed & patched up his bruised ego. I wonder where I would’ve been today if I had?? I don’t have regrets exactly it’s more like I feel that I am in the Right place in my life Finally & that was just an inter-section I had to get through to be where I am today.

10 years married this Summer & content with my life & who I chose to be in it with me. Inter-sections are interesting that way, maybe that’s why poets like myself reflect on them as William Blake did & as I do. What inter-section has changed your life?

The last 6 months; I’ve been in a ton of pain that seems to come & go like waves. It’s hard to describe but I feel like a rockstar one day & the next am caput on the couch. It’s made me revaluate what I want to do with my life.

Today I got to spend an hour talking about it & it felt cathartic & it opened my mind that the pain I have is Real. Now, I just have to figure out what I want to do & how I want to do it. I saw myself as starting something Big & now I am not so sure?

I have always written so maybe I should focus my energy on that? However, I want to change how people perceive mental health & the stigma’s associated with it. Having something mentally wrong is hard to cope with but also have something that is physical is hard to deal with.

Finding out that I got referred to a IBS clinic at the hospital feels frustrating to me. Because I know I have IBS but for it to be so severe doesn’t seem right. To me because of my pain I think it could be Crohns? But of course I don’t have that confirmed yet, so I am in limbo with the next steps I need to take.

I get some alone time soon & I am going to have a think about what I want to do?
See what the pain teaches me about I am going to do in the next 2 years?

Till next time.

I am writing again because this afternoon I got really pissed walking around the lake by our house. There was fake eyelashes, 3 layers of perfume & loads of makeup. Just to walk around the lake. Really has Norwegian women gotten that vain when getting fresh air?

I realize I may have a name brand jacket that I wear when walking or hiking in the Winter but I don’t act like I am better than anyone on the trail. There was couples that took up the entire width of the trail, I was like missing a red runner are we. There was old Nasty woman that mocked the way I looked to her husband.

Really, you’re nearly 80 & that’s how you behave! Distgusting. I don’t wash my hair or pile on the perfume to walk or hike. I am going out in nature not to a bar & I am certaintly not trying to impress other men. I am married!

Vanity has a place & it’s not on the trail or on a Sunday promenade. I’ve never been vain, so I guess I missing the whole attitude that goes along with that. I have also never been impressed by money, living on the East coast.

I am not going to stop going outside just because some people where rude. I love hiking & being outside. I am also not going to start wearing my hair like everyone else, because I think self identity is stronger than that. I have always had my own style & for that I am grateful.

Till next time.