I found this leafing through some 20 year old journals, I found a sweet email from an ex boyfriend who had written a love email to me in the Fall of 2000. Finding this today made me really happy, happy that he had apologized for how things had ended between us. Why am I going through old journals you ask because I am compiling materials for a new book.

No, it’s not going to be about my ex’s though I could write don’t date this kind of guy books. How to spot a cheater et cetera . But I’ll spare you the details of my singledom. Since I have now been married for a decade it’s interesting reflecting on the s*** at the end. It’s like my previous post about inter-sections & how they change your life.

I was grateful for the sweet email I found today, it was great to see how someone could see the errors of their ways & own up to them. I dated a slew of guys & a majority where so egocentric that they would never take ownership for their behavior. So, it was so wonderful to see a guy do that. I wonder what happened to him, he was a really sweet guy when I knew him.

Inter-sections have a way of changing your perspective & I can see in my journals that my life has gotten better. There was a journal I found today where at the end of each entry I had written that I’d hope that things would improve. I kept hoping there would be a silver lining but I wasn’t in a good spot in my life.

Today though is different & I feel strong enough to go through old entries & share that having a tough time mentally is okay, as long as you get the proper help. For me I didn’t get that support from my family I got it from friends. Therapy is not a dirty word & getting it will only make things easier to cope with the everyday. Take it from me I’ve come a Long Way. Till next entry remember to apologize if you f up, it shows you care.

Recently I have begun to think back on my 20’s in CT, when I was young & foolish. How many people that showed up in my life that are no longer in it. For various reasons too long to mention here. Then there are those that are still in my life from that time & for them I am eternally grateful. I had a lot of chaos in my early 20’s & also suffered a severe assualt that I will have to live with the rest of my life.

Inter-sections are interesting, I have often wondered what if I chose differently but I had pretty strict dating rules & 3 strikes & you’re out, just like in baseball. I feel lucky with that, that I was unwilling to compromise my standards for others. I remember a guy who shall remain nameless who I had a one night stand with & he was a carrier of an sti. I got very sick from that one night stand & I found out months afterwards that he wanted to be with me, but I had already moved on.

When I met him his relationship was in shambles & I wasn’t willing to nurse his broken ego or be a rebound for him to spring himself to the next relationship. It didn’t help that he cheated on his current gf with me after she had apparently cheated on him & caught an sti. No, my young mind could only see the drama & I didn’t want to be part of it. The one night stand has haunted me though, maybe because of the sti that I caught or what transpired within weeks of me getting really sick.

I look back & wonder if I made the Right decision to walk away from him; or if I should have stayed & patched up his bruised ego. I wonder where I would’ve been today if I had?? I don’t have regrets exactly it’s more like I feel that I am in the Right place in my life Finally & that was just an inter-section I had to get through to be where I am today.

10 years married this Summer & content with my life & who I chose to be in it with me. Inter-sections are interesting that way, maybe that’s why poets like myself reflect on them as William Blake did & as I do. What inter-section has changed your life?

The last 6 months; I’ve been in a ton of pain that seems to come & go like waves. It’s hard to describe but I feel like a rockstar one day & the next am caput on the couch. It’s made me revaluate what I want to do with my life.

Today I got to spend an hour talking about it & it felt cathartic & it opened my mind that the pain I have is Real. Now, I just have to figure out what I want to do & how I want to do it. I saw myself as starting something Big & now I am not so sure?

I have always written so maybe I should focus my energy on that? However, I want to change how people perceive mental health & the stigma’s associated with it. Having something mentally wrong is hard to cope with but also have something that is physical is hard to deal with.

Finding out that I got referred to a IBS clinic at the hospital feels frustrating to me. Because I know I have IBS but for it to be so severe doesn’t seem right. To me because of my pain I think it could be Crohns? But of course I don’t have that confirmed yet, so I am in limbo with the next steps I need to take.

I get some alone time soon & I am going to have a think about what I want to do?
See what the pain teaches me about I am going to do in the next 2 years?

Till next time.