living with a mental illness is hard; learning how to gauge every moment as i misinterpret situations that sometimes are Clear but to me are muddled by the thoughts in my head rather than Reality. a few years back i was consumed by a Negative stressor online. the so-called community was filled with nasty & mean people that posted

Freaky, generic posts & if they received reply that didn’t suit them, harassment started. my mailbox was full of nasty emails from people i had Never met who thought that harassing me online was a fun sport & in the end involved the police. i became fixated on the online community as i didn’t have anything that was Positive in my life. now i look back & see how damaging the situation was.

the same way i am celebrating a year since my mental breakdown that landed me in the hospital for 3 weeks-i wasn’t in danger to myself or others & was released pretty quickly after ending up there, however the experience is haunting to me. the amount of mental illness i saw in the 3 weeks i was there was gruesome &  i am grateful that i was able to leave.

it’s eerie a year later to see where i ended up-& how i remember how sick i was there. how ambulances are now triggers& how when i see a police cruiser i take a breath. i Focus on the Now that i am not there-that it was something that happened in my past. last summer i spent most of the summer walking & avoiding the buses as they too had become triggers with my mental illness. i associated things that didn’t make sense together & made them my own.

sitting & thinking back to who i was last summer i have come a Long way-my social worker who has supported me the last year thinks that i have made Great strides in my life. it’s something i saw when i traveled & realized that i can manage long haul flights & connections without any triggers or spirals. something i am Proud of that i managed to do. i traveled nearly 12 thousand miles in a week & Pulled off. it’s an Accomplishment all the things i have Done the last year are-now i have to embrace the Future& Breathe because am Alright even with reality being difficult sometimes. all i have to do is Breathe & be Grateful.

coming from the street shelter into the facility i have been in for almost a year has been full of stress & situations i have i had to figure out from scratch. i had a surreal week long trip where i went back to the mother country, norway. the week was surreal & felt weird as i still don’t have a permanent place to rest my head in seattle & am still in transitional housing. seeing my family who hasn’t changed anything but age in the last 14 years was good.

i really enjoyed just hanging out @ my grandmothers house, catching up with my uncles, going out on the town with my cousins & just having fun. the plane rides was long, Very long but having the goal & reaching the destination of my grandmothers town was great. i ate fish all week& have had enough cake to last me till next month. however, it was still surreal& when i told my aunt about my situation i expected condemnation & instead was greeted with support & genuine Love.

i spent time with my favorite cousins–watched the midnight sun dance on the mountains tops in the middle of the night. however, the trip wasn’t without its mishaps & supposed related family drama from theAmerican side of the family who caused a scene @ my grandmothers dinner. a distant relative was more appropriately dressed for working times-Square than she was my grandmothers formal dinner. this distantly, odd & poorly mannered girl incensed my grandmother.

i half expected condemnation for what i said & was instead greeted with hugs& support for what was deemed a Fabulous speech by my Real relatives. by the end of the weekend They became referred to as the Ugly-girls by my grandmother. i had reindeer meat & multe berries with vanilla ice cream–Yummy. i got perspective that i can still navigate international airports, order my favorite food & that i have a family, though Distant that Loves me no matter what.