i have been living in a house full of alcoholism, drug abuse, cross gender issues & sometimes acute mental illness that the staff takes very little heed of. the phone may ring incessantly outside of my room, door slams, the kitchen is filthy & i often wonder if the place will make me sick, but somehow it has not. living next to someone who is cross gender is Exhausting, when in the end the pink bottles of shampoo & tiny bra’s doesn’t make her more of one gender. the non-educated response i got back about the pink shampoo bottles was Because her hair is Straight (ah what?) i studied fem theory in college & understand the Branding of the female trait-down to the pretty smelling bottles of shaving cream that cost $5 a pop & really aren’t much better than what men use Only more Expensive.

we have conspiracy theories about staff other women in the house,  when someone gets a new room, move upstairs that only grants you an Extra meek night out. we have staff that would be better suited to work at McDonald’s serving happy meals than working with the women in the house. then on the other spectrum we have Great staff that work with us, Not against us. depending on who is working that Shift the trend goes either way. or has we have begun saying in the house the door is either open or it’s Closed. being treated as if we don’t have an education is Lame; the constant down talking by happy meal staff gets tiresome.

in some ways being in the house has taught me about the Issues that actually matter, what is on the main TV unless it’s monday does not. it’s a shared TV & we have to sign up for a meek 2 hours per-week, that is of course if staff remembers to post the sign up. the happy meal staff who tend to take personal calls when they are not on their breaks is unprofessional. we have a daily chore, our recycling has become disgusting as is our garbage container which the director Finally admitted is out of control. much like the house is going. but i digress.

there are days that i miss having my own kitchen to cook in, the ability to sleep in my own bed& have more than the clothes i absolutely need next to me. i miss having the ability to watch bad TV by myself, hear nothing but my own voice in a room. i am Grateful that i am no longer in the street shelter i was in last summer. Grateful that i have a laptop that i can use to look for work & another place to live. however, i am counting the days till i am no longer dependent on a code & chore task to guide my day. i am looking forward to the next chapter of my Life& getting back my sex drive& love for cooking i miss.

last summer i began writing under the post script of undercover singleton; when i began spiraling & thought that i though Near to being homeless that i would become a cause celeb over what i don’t remember. i have vivid memories of cutting up personal belongings you Actually need. i am grateful for the fact that i no longer hear a voice in my head and usually understand Why when i do hear something. i have memories of accusing people of saying mean things they didn’t say as a child & young adult.

living with my mental illness is hard, i don’t always feel like understand the full picture but then on the other hand, sometimes behavior cuts to close & i freak out. today, i am battling fibro fatigue that comes on a few times a month & makes my head & body feel slow. i feel like i am moving like sludge-when i am not. my head is throbbing because some snobby, arrogant retiree that just sat down next to me slammed his eye glass case, also leaving trash on the floor next to his table. it’s the kind of stuff that makes wish for a desk & space of my own to write in.

i had to have a psych eval the other day, one of two that i am having & was told that i have made progress with my illness’ & in my life. i can never repeat more than 5 numbers because my mind crystallizes  due to  meningitis i had as a young child. i can remember words & simple actions; but not the numbers. it’s hard to cope with the small things my mind won’t let me do. i am still single-though in a relationship & starting to have less fear for the future than i have had recently. i am learning to trust that i am loved & that things in the end will work out.

it’s something i am just learning to do, i ask for help only when i need it, but try to spend most of my time outside of the house as i can’t imagine being there all day even with a migraine or my fibro fatigue days. because i stay active i also avoid down episodes & i think i have been lucky in the fact that i haven’t had a serious bouts of depression with my illness. i may no longer go to the gym but i try to stay active everyday by walking & getting my mind out the fog i usually wake up with.

this morning i woke up missing my bed& my own kitchen. i miss having the space to be Alone. sometimes that is all i need is Space-battling homelessness & the future with a mental illness is one of the hardest things i have ever had to do in my life. i Count the days because i have friends & i have support that makes going through what i have been through all that much easier.