all my life i have been plagued by the thought that harm will come to me in some form or another. it’s something i have been battling my entire life-and i am always surprised when things don’t go bad and things turn out okay. i know it’s hard for my husband to deal with me constantly imaging the worst when everything is going okay.

since i have left the hospital: my biggest fear is that i would end back in it and i would be harmed when i am. i think part of this thinking comes from watching too many bad TV shows and enclosing the thought in my daily routine rather than recognizing that it’s just a bad thought.

the same goes for if i am wearing certain clothing i think people say bad things about me while i am wearing them. something i have dealt with since i was in high school and i would pick fights with random people because i thought they called me something bad.

living with a mental illness is difficult and i feel that my illness sometimes gets the best of me. which is why i am so thankful for the support that i have in my life and how much it means to me.

this is my first poem in 5 years. hope you like it?

the bridge is to the future is littered with fear.

fear comes to me on my dreams; causing my mornings
to feel long.

the bridge to the future is littered with hope.

i see hope in the movements of the tree’s,
mountain peaks slowly covered in snow.

the bridge to the future is littered with love.

love that comes in the form smiles and acceptance.

Cecilie E Roaldset 10/29/12

in the past week i have been thinking about my inpatient care as well as my out-patient. i have a court ordered LRO meaning i have to attend meetings for the next 3 months and risk being taken back into the hospital if i don’t. on the order it says nothing about medication, groups or case managements duty to me while i am on it. there seems to be too many loop holes in a document handed down from a judge.

something that makes me anxious about following the very lose guidelines i am given and my 23 year old case manager who seems to green to know what to do.

i was diagnosed yet again with a diagnosis that is as far from how my daily activities are that i am not going to mention it in this post. however, the girl that did my intake failed to do the psych screening in the meeting i had with her. she claimed i was to with it to be bothered by doing it. the same issue while i was in the hospital was that no one did a psych screening between the two units i was in.

there’s definitely need for reform on the court order i have as the system are talking to each other something that’s clearly not happening now.