it’s been one week since the bombing in Oslo and the massacre on Utoya. i attended a Vigil in Seattle on Tuesday and felt sadness. this thought that my Motherland will never be same-forever shifted by what happened. what’s troubling to me is that he was a home grown terrorist that had become fixated on the atrocities he committed. waking up to the drama unfolding in Oslo last Friday and feeling faraway from it all was the hardest. going to the Vigil this past week was a blessing and a curse. people stood around and hugged and greeted one another but it wasn’t out of joy it was out of sadness.
an elderly gentleman i have known for several years hugged me and said it was good to see me and in the next moment both our eyes went dark. a man i have never seen before sitting next to him was so happy to hear my fluent Norwegian. he asked me where my family was from and i told him. i spoke to my dad this week who told me that there was several young people that had passed away close to the community my family is from.
since the atrocities my husband and i have decided that i should travel back and visit with family. i spent a few weeks in the winter there but i know when i put my feet down on Norwegian soil i will feel much different than i did 6 months ago. i think the most prolific thing is that the security and safety i have always felt in Oslo has been eroded. the peace of the Noble Peace prize will now take on a different meaning and July 22nd will be a day or Vigils and remembrance. i love my Motherland even half way around the globe. i have decided that i will speak to my parents in Norwegian when i call them now. keeping alive the part of me that is Norwegian that will be grieving and sad because of the huge cultural shift that was last Fridays events.

well, i came to this conclusion last Fall but allowed myself to continue to see my MSW anyway. that’s until recently when i discovered that she had no respect for me or other clients she was seeing by constantly calling in “sick.” i had a high stress week last week & i called and asked to see her-the day of the appointment she had come down yet again with the “flu” and canceled my appointment. she had been canceling an appointment @ least once a month for the past 3 months & the last time i got upset in the office she told me that i the client had no right to be upset by her being unprofessional.

i have seen every kind of shrink since i could walk & talk & what i have learned is that it doesn’t make that big of difference in your life; i know it hasn’t in mine @ least not in the last 3 years. the best advice & counseling i received was over a decade ago with a exceptional trauma therapist who has taught me ways of coping with stress that i still use today. but what is a therapist/counselor anyway-i feel that the good therapists i have seen have taught me skills that i can use everyday.

living with a mental illness is hard-there are days that i feel self-conscious & days that something fazes me. however, i no longer see seeing a professional as the only way to cope. being active in the community helps as i volunteer for 2 different organizations & i always find a cafe to go & have a cup of coffee always lightens the mood. since i sometimes have anxiety i can either walk the dog or use the exercise bike in the living room. being able to pick up the phone & call also helps. i also like people who see me & not my labels or my issues.

the people that recognize you for who you are even with issues are your friends & will always be by your side the people that judge or treat your time as if it should be wasted are not worth having in your life. i am grateful for my husband & for the people that see the things i have accomplished rather than my failures. because all those things are a sign of love & that trumps bad therapy any day.