I just finished watching the HBO series Patrick Melrose, a very harsh & great show. From the dungeon that is child abuse to the redemption of Patrick. The show shows just how damaging child abuse is & how it follows children to adults & their problems only get worse with age until they seek psychitatric help.

The character that is Patrick goes through a horrific childhood & until he gets older doesn’t understand why is mother didn’t protect him from his father. A question I have often wondered myself with my mother. Patrick touches on the topics that are ugly to look at. Although, I have never done hard drugs I have had my share personal issues because of the turbulent childhood-adulthood.

When my father nearly killed me when I was 23, he had the *Right* to do it in my mother’s eyes because the wine I wanted to pour down the sink was more important than the nerves in my neck or the tingling in my fingers I still feel everyday 20 years after. Hence, he *saved* her from me by nearly killing me. Over wine.

It tossed me into trauma therapy & aided in the development of my current symptoms. I as a child, much like Patrick had no safe place, not at home & not at school. My mother often says how strong I am, not recognizing that that I had no safe place as a child which left me terrified of stability when I first experienced it in my 20’s.

When you grow up without it, it’s hard to accept that it doesn’t come with strings attached. I don’t mean basic relationship issues I mean violence & psychological abuse.

Now, my life has settled, the bottle of selzer has gone flat. No bubbles, no turbulence just simple kindness & love. Something Patrick finally finds in the last episode.