this is my second time writing this entry-i wasn’t happy with the first one & realized that i missed my goal of what i wanted to say. in my last post i wrote about paranoia which i have aspects of but not to the point that it cripples my day to day activities or what i want to accomplish. i had a friend of mine email me lately & ask if i was hearing or having any auditory hallucinations. something that i have experienced the last year in an off/on kind of way. i happy to write that not recently & not in the last month. something i consider i a milestone as i thought i may be under more pressure & instead i have been under less.
some days i have a tough time navigating public transportation, recently i rode the bus & was forced to stand for most of my bus ride. intially i was having Fear because i was standing& then i realized that i was okay that there was other people standing on the bus with me & i was offered a seat on the bus that i took. it was in the place i am most uncomfortable sitting; the Very back. an eventful bus ride-as i was sharing the back with a woman that had gone shoplifting with her beau & her son. however, she is no longer selling cocaine so i guess that is a plus-if one can call it that?
i am no longer fond of malls& the main areas around them. i avoid crowded stores but recently went into one & it wasn’t until i was checking out that i realized Just How Crowded . i just focused had a small conversation & was pretty okay. the fear i sometimes have didn’t creep in that time either. dealing with my mental illness means that i do fear more than i have paranoia. it’s about the next 6 months & what is going to happen with my life& what i need to do to take charge of it. i have to come up with a plan, something i haven’t had the chance to think about in the last year & now i do. maybe i should get serious about my book or maybe i need to go back to school & start the next part of my life in a different chapter. either way it’s time for me to make some serious decisions & stick to them.