living with a mental illness is hard; learning how to gauge every moment as i misinterpret situations that sometimes are Clear but to me are muddled by the thoughts in my head rather than Reality. a few years back i was consumed by a Negative stressor online. the so-called community was filled with nasty & mean people that posted
Freaky, generic posts & if they received reply that didn’t suit them, harassment started. my mailbox was full of nasty emails from people i had Never met who thought that harassing me online was a fun sport & in the end involved the police. i became fixated on the online community as i didn’t have anything that was Positive in my life. now i look back & see how damaging the situation was.
the same way i am celebrating a year since my mental breakdown that landed me in the hospital for 3 weeks-i wasn’t in danger to myself or others & was released pretty quickly after ending up there, however the experience is haunting to me. the amount of mental illness i saw in the 3 weeks i was there was gruesome & i am grateful that i was able to leave.
it’s eerie a year later to see where i ended up-& how i remember how sick i was there. how ambulances are now triggers& how when i see a police cruiser i take a breath. i Focus on the Now that i am not there-that it was something that happened in my past. last summer i spent most of the summer walking & avoiding the buses as they too had become triggers with my mental illness. i associated things that didn’t make sense together & made them my own.
sitting & thinking back to who i was last summer i have come a Long way-my social worker who has supported me the last year thinks that i have made Great strides in my life. it’s something i saw when i traveled & realized that i can manage long haul flights & connections without any triggers or spirals. something i am Proud of that i managed to do. i traveled nearly 12 thousand miles in a week & Pulled off. it’s an Accomplishment all the things i have Done the last year are-now i have to embrace the Future& Breathe because am Alright even with reality being difficult sometimes. all i have to do is Breathe & be Grateful.