what a hard day feels like

since i have begun writing about my schizophrenia & what my daily battles are has given me clarity. i have less than 6 months in the program i am in & have begun to get worried about housing & not ending up back on the street. however, i am doing everything i can to get housing; making a small dent in my life even though it doesn’t feel like i am. finding out that i have two more years to wait for housing is sad; it’s an uphill battle-but i am taking steps everyday. since i am keeping my focus i Hope that something will come through for me.

what does having a hard day mean to someone with my mental illness, misreading cues from other people, misjudging what someone said as literal when it was meant as something different. having irrational thoughts that often don’t make any sense or over thinking something basic that has nothing to do with what actually happened. for me everyday i have to figure out small situations & hope that i made the right decision with what i thought. other times it’s becoming angry & not understanding Why i am. small cues can throw me off guard & i start misinterpreting what is said over what is actually meant.  on hard days i misread cues, when i was with my boyfriend i would misread his behavior because of what it looked like inside my head.

hard days makes me grateful for easy once, that aren’t as bad-& that don’t stress me out, as my anxiety feels worse when i have one. it’s the same as the housing topic i mentioned earlier, i am the only one in control of my future & i am beginning to realize how Real it can become if i don’t get myself into housing or into another transitional housing program. i am The Only one that can change my Future. that scares me in ways i can’t describe that i have to take Real Charge of my own destiny. i hope that with my new case manager i can figure something out before my time expires where i am. i have always Luck-something i Hope i won’t run out of this year.

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