here i am sitting contemplating the virtues of relationships incl. my own. maybe it’s the fact that Springhas sprung? a few weeks back i thought it was Just my illness getting in the way; now i know it’s not my illness but actual behavior that is putting me on edge. i have spent the last few years of my life on the gang plank of love, the more unstable the guy was the more i was into being with him. i thought in the back of my mind that Love should be complicated & filled with drama. this past valentine’s day my boyfriend proposed & asked me to move in with him.

since, i am currently in a program i told him i wanted to finish it before i moved in with him. for most of April my mental illness & my insecurities took center stage. i spiraled briefly for a few weeks & had to straighten myself out on my own. since, living in the transitional housing program i have been comparing myself to women that have better jobs, shoes, hair than i do. it’s something i have always done, ever since i can remember. i think it’s a way for me to not see Me. when i focus on everyone else i don’t Have to See all the things i am Good @ or capable of.

it’s Spring again & running into an old lover trapped in front of his laptop on weekend night depressed me recently. i thought of all the could have beens & it made me take a step back & look @ myself & how far i have come. six years ago i was different person than who i am now; although i wasn’t capable of handling something that was stable. back then my life was constant wave & i usually didn’t know which side of the wave to be on let alone allow someone into my life.

back to my topic about roaming. since i begun taking my meds my sex drive has taken a nose dive. even seeing someone that may find me attractive i do double take on what i think is happening. this spring is different than last spring my life was more unstable last spring than what it is now. my life has changed for the better; teaching Norwegian a few nights a week have been good for my head. i also hope to get focused on my writing & take my own ability as a writer seriously. as for boy watching i will always enjoy eye candy, even if it’s the past peeking its head out from behind a laptop.

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