monday is finished, i am between training and getting my life back together after nearly a year of not knowing where i’d end up. right now i am dealing with my chronic fatigue-today, i am flared(translates into muscle pain, and exhaustion) i spent the morning catching up on sleep that i had lost the night before. transitional housing is not warm and fuzzy, as it’s a temporary environment that i am in. i have my bedding from storage, a few sweaters for winter, very little of my clothes as most of it is still in storage.

i try to take everything a day at a time-one moment at a time. i can’t make it if i start thinking about what i don’t have, rather than what i do. when i was in the homeless shelter i had to take things a day at a time. i became edgy and uncomfortable even around the people i love. part of it was the acute medication i was on-that rendered me drugged up and spacey most of the time. i can recall taking Depk-within two hours i began to worry that i wouldn’t be able to defend myself if something happened. a very icky feeling.

now, i am on different medication for my mental illness-i am more comfortable and have begun laughing again, whole heart laughter, all the way down to my belly. something that feels really good and i haven’t done for a long time. when i was on Depk-and haldol i felt like a drugged up zombie, my shoulders hunched over, my walk became weird and awkward and my speech changed. something i have been reliving in my head for the past couple of months.

coming to the raw realization that i will have to be on medication my entire life is hard to take, i still hope to have kids, a stable job that i love and the ability to spend my money wisely, an issue i have had for years  due to my illness. i know when i begin to spiral now because i will either purchase an item i can’t afford or i will buy something i won’t eat.

i need to send some email, and get ready to finish up some chores back at the house.