litmus test

compare. compare. compare. i have been doing this for over 2 years, not seeing myself worth-but comparing myself to people with i think has more than what i have. i do it with friends i have known for years-who have  jobs i will never land. it’s something i am going to try to stop. even though it will be hard-it is effecting myself esteem & my goals. i am sitting in cafe& immediately began doing it as there is a successful woman sitting next to me who is good @ what she does.

i am lucky, i have a roof over my head, a safe place to be& have begun applying for grad school. i am doing a little bit everyday. small steps. i am also starting to realize that i need to look at myself as a capable person,  i need to see beyond my illness as i am high functioning & good with people. i am still capable & i have a support people that believe in me. maybe i need to start believing in myself for a change & not always taking myself for granted.

when i compare myself i don’t see what i am capable of-or what my goals are. when i start comparing myself i don’t see my own beauty nor my own intellect. whenever i get complimented i can’t take the compliment-i don’t actually say Thank You & accept it. it’s something i Need to start to do, to see myself. i have survived living out of a backpack in shelter, i have been in the poorly run transitional program that gave me a roof over my head but No Goals, no ideas for my future.

now i have goals & one of them being is not comparing myself. i need to grateful for what i still have. solace in the fact that i am capable, funny& smart. someday may be i will live in a house that is mine, until then i will focus on Everyday& that a year has passed & i am in a better place, physically & mentally that i have been in a long time. grateful. grateful. grateful.

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