last summer i began writing under the post script of undercover singleton; when i began spiraling & thought that i though Near to being homeless that i would become a cause celeb over what i don’t remember. i have vivid memories of cutting up personal belongings you Actually need. i am grateful for the fact that i no longer hear a voice in my head and usually understand Why when i do hear something. i have memories of accusing people of saying mean things they didn’t say as a child & young adult.
living with my mental illness is hard, i don’t always feel like understand the full picture but then on the other hand, sometimes behavior cuts to close & i freak out. today, i am battling fibro fatigue that comes on a few times a month & makes my head & body feel slow. i feel like i am moving like sludge-when i am not. my head is throbbing because some snobby, arrogant retiree that just sat down next to me slammed his eye glass case, also leaving trash on the floor next to his table. it’s the kind of stuff that makes wish for a desk & space of my own to write in.
i had to have a psych eval the other day, one of two that i am having & was told that i have made progress with my illness’ & in my life. i can never repeat more than 5 numbers because my mind crystallizes due to meningitis i had as a young child. i can remember words & simple actions; but not the numbers. it’s hard to cope with the small things my mind won’t let me do. i am still single-though in a relationship & starting to have less fear for the future than i have had recently. i am learning to trust that i am loved & that things in the end will work out.
it’s something i am just learning to do, i ask for help only when i need it, but try to spend most of my time outside of the house as i can’t imagine being there all day even with a migraine or my fibro fatigue days. because i stay active i also avoid down episodes & i think i have been lucky in the fact that i haven’t had a serious bouts of depression with my illness. i may no longer go to the gym but i try to stay active everyday by walking & getting my mind out the fog i usually wake up with.
this morning i woke up missing my bed& my own kitchen. i miss having the space to be Alone. sometimes that is all i need is Space-battling homelessness & the future with a mental illness is one of the hardest things i have ever had to do in my life. i Count the days because i have friends & i have support that makes going through what i have been through all that much easier.