since, my decision last week i have decided to visit the places i spiraled in last summer, one place @ time. it’s not so much a test but for me to realize how Far i have come in the last 6 months on my own. since i am still juggling the housing situation i decided to face it head on and dive into the places that i know are taking applications. i have to start somewhere. today, i jumped off the bus a several stops early & surprised the driver, i sang to my zune without caring what people around me thought.
sitting in cafe i couldn’t enter last summer because i had invented a story that wasn’t based on fact in my head, my illness does that when i become very sick. hence, being here & being present in the Moment is a Huge step forward. it’s just a cafe that i loved going to last summer when i was homeless after leaving my apartment but by the time summer rolled around i had invented stories in my head about what was going on. none of them rational. i am still homeless& being in the cafe is surreal. it makes me sad to think that i still am.
it’s like sitting down with an old ghost, my last relationship was an old ghost & all the past things he had done didn’t go Away; instead they made me Fear his trust & what his true intentions where. then his eyes began to roam; my stress kicked in checking out other women & blaming my mental illness for what he was doing. i may have a tough time distinguishing between reality & non-reality but i know when i am being taken for Granted. the situation was making me sick physically. in the beginning (we) both thought it was food poisoning—now, i know it was his behavior that was effecting me.
it’s a year later, & i am still facing my past-maybe with a brighter tint, but it’s still my past. i found the movie he bought for me on Valentine’sday, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, a movie he said reminded him of me. maybe i was too harsh, maybe i am. but i realize through all my brain fog that i am the only one that is going to figure out what the next step is in my life. The only one. IF love comes along i may keep it on the side because @ the moment i need to make it through this summer on my own.