being present has been one of the hardest things in my life. what does it mean, that i feel whatever is going on & either find a solution or figure out if i am triggered. triggers can come from random behavior, thinking too much about a topic/situation rather than letting it play out making my decision after the fact. this is my third time writing this entry, the first to felt to personal & too deep. since, i have been diagnosed my life has changed. living with a mental illness is hard, each day is a new learning curve.i feel like i am in driving school & re-learning how to drive, some turns come on suddenly & i have to react quickly to what is going on. other days i feel like i am still driving down routeOne where i grew up, cruising @ 35miles per hour. today is a good day.
i feel clear, my thoughts aren’t interrupted by triggers or random thoughts that don’t make sense. making sense of my situation is much like a jigsaw puzzle& i don’t know where the pieces are going to land. last summer i wrote a few entries using the words undercover singleton. looking back i wasn’t undercover but in my brain. i managed a few entries before i was hospitalized & looking back i wasn’t fully functioning i was spiraling.
my view was lopsided on an axis; common for people with my mental illness. i developed fear& began manufacturing my life based on my phone. i was in my own world, literally. situation that i didn’t understand i made into something else, that was not real. i walked for several hours with no destination& i didn’t know where to go or Why i was walking. i spiraled sober; in the end i ended up on a friends porch where i continued to spiral- extending into the next day; when the police where called. i was brutally mishandled by local police department who apparently view the mental ill as people they can mistreat& dump in the hospital i ended up in.
i was held in the hospital & injected with gawd knows what drugs that did me very little. when i finally got the court ordered hospital i was in for 3 weeks-i had barely eaten for 2 days. i continued to get shots of drugs till i began taking them an attending the mandatory groups that also allowed me to get the right to be outside& to check my email. i didn’t have a pillow, the institution treated pillows as if they where made of gold & wasn’t in there long enough to get one. instead i got blankets. i was camping for 3weeks. it’s a hospital that the city uses to dump the mentally ill till they feel like dealing with them. the conditions where one of the worst i have ever seen.
i was Lucky that i stabilized in 3weeks, rather than being held for 90days. Lucky. Lucky. the day i left i was given tokens of encouragement from staff. within a week i was in a homeless shelter where i spent 6weeks last summer. i hit bottomHowever, i was able to find a solution & found a transitionalHousing. my new goal is to Never end up where i was last summer for the rest of my life. being Present has its moments;looking @ myself climbing a mountain that is my mental illness. some days the slope is too steep & i have to take a break look around& seeing how far i have come. be Present with myself no matter how hard it may Be. life always throws curve balls; it’s all in how you angle the bat.
—–>support local coffee. friends don’t let friends drink the mermaid.