so, here i am on the East coast a place i have come to dread visiting. while looking around the house today i discovered several books that my mom had put in my parents collection that are mine. then i take a look in her home *office* and discover that she has a book-called When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us by some pop shrink named Jane Adams.

the irony of this discovery is that parents never held me as a child-nor did they teach me how to let go of someone so i have discovered in the last 10 years that i have issues with abandonment something which comes from the fact that my mother has lied to judges, police and court mandated social workers about my father’s heavy fist. she never once defended me from him nor asked him to stop. in my 20’s after he nearly killed me i tried in vain to convince myself that my mother was a *good* person. the truth is that Good people don’t allow over 20 years of psychological, physical and emotional abuse. that does not a good person make.

i despise my parents to such a extent that they will not be allowed access to my child if i have one. after experiencing a lifetime of abuse by them why would i trust them with my own children?! after the assault of 1997 for which my father walked. i made an oath to myself that they would never have access to my children. it’s like putting a child in with a pedophile and then wonder why the child was molested. my parents have never shown me that they *want* to change. neither one wants to go to counseling because i have learned from my life in the shrinks chair that my anger towards my parents is Rational and Justified.

it’s funny how my parents dumped me  into the therapists chair for most of my life because they wanted me to figure out my anger. what i have learned in the last 10 years that my anger towards them is justified for many reason. i have also learned that i have no real reason to trust my mother. she would always either part take in the abuse or watch from peanut gallery with my sister. something that started when i was very young. if i asked for something they would humiliate me and make me feel awkward and weird for wanting that. my mother did this as recently as yesterday.

so-what life lessons have i learned. that love shouldn’t come with a fist, guilt trip abusive behavior. i learned from other adults other than my parents how good parents actually are towards their kids. they encourage, communicate and are there for their kids no matter what. i have a good example of this-a friend of mine with a son who maxed out a credit card a few years back when he was sick. she is paying it off one payment at a time. when i became homeless a few years ago my disassociated mother visited me for a week when i was over-medicated and when she left i went back to the street shelter and became suicidal. something i will Never Forget. hence-that does not a good grandmother make.

i am looking forward to the elation i will feel when i leave CT in a few days. i always feel elation when i leave. my heart has never had a Real-Safe-Home until now. what i had learn since my house when i was a child was never safe. it’ll be great to see the mountains, feel the Spring rain and feel safe. no nightmares to plague me or hallucinations from the stress of constantly being lied to.