sounds appealing…? i spent the weekend running around with my partner & discovered a really Bad cook @ restaurant we went to yesterday. the sauce was runny, pasta was microwaved & was clumpy & severely undercooked. Gross. i had eaten almonds for lunch & was looking forward to some comfort food for dinner. i became depressed by the meal, as i felt it was a mirror of how i have been feeling about my life recently.

dealing with housing & how hard the process is, has really begun to take a toll on me. i guess it’s life & i have to grab life by the horns & find a solution. i am still calling a list i was given, asking about applications & if they would accept me. i am also starting to believe in myself a bit more than i have been. i became centered on my living situation recently about all the Things i don’t Have. when i realized yesterday @ dinner that i have a roof over my head, a place to sleep, a way to write & my friends. even with my life being what is has become the last year i am Lucky. i was able to find housing & a program that cares about the people that are in it.

things in my life has been tough the past month, i was rough on my partner because of my constant self doubt, that became my parade you could say. i became over-hyped about things that where in my head & not Real. having my illness means i have to take a look @ how i process situations around me. what seems easy to someone else becomes a mind maze for me. i made a deposit today & was told i wouldn’t have access to my money for a day; that really Freaked me out. customer service is depleting like most of our needed basics rice & fuel. i was even told to go & deposit my check @ another bank. Wow! like i said customer service is going down the drain.

the situation is over but in my mind i am over-processing what happened because i lost my temper for a meek second; but regained composure the process went smoothly even with the so-called unprofessional manager @ the bank. so i am sitting spinning in my head about how i acted when i was there& how i was treated & what could have happened but didn’t. i think this is the hardest part of my mental illness realizing that everything passed & i was okay @ the bank even though i lost my temper they still did the transaction. the Maybe is the hardest part. it’s also what i tend to focus on, much like i have my living situation the last month. Maybe keeps spinning in my head, when things start to turn that is what i do i think about the Maybe, which isn’t actuality or rational.

that is where my mental illness becomes the hardest for me to cope with; it’s wondering if something worse will happen when nothing worse did. i am not broke & will be able to get to classes i am teaching. much like things in my life will happen i just have to survive the rational aspect of it& not have blend & become non-rational in my head. when my world begins to spin i start to focus on the Now. because Now is where i am & Now is where my head needs to be. Breathing & realizing that i will be okay, no matter what Happens.

till next time support 100 mile rule & shop local.