the last few weeks have been harder than usually, with my sado flaring up when i least needed extra stress in my life. i had a week where i was paranoid about getting coffee & taking the bus to a part of town i love. living with a mental illness is hard somedays everything is clear while others are foggy & i have a tough time coping. one of the main aspects of my mental illness is Fear that triggers my paranoia-when the two combine things get tough & situations muddled. it hasn’t helped that i have been pms(ing) the last few weeks something that has made agitated.
i tend to do less things & become overly sensitive about situations that aren’t a big deal at the time they happen, something that everyday is really hard to deal with. i have begun the slow process of learning how to stay IntheMoment. staying in the moment is hard for me as small gestures or say seeing a car drive by me will spin a story in my head a story that isn’t real but for that second that i am there it becomes real. the last few weeks i have been spiraling & my medication hasn’t worked properly, my anxiety rose & i begun thinking irrational thoughts.
today is one of those days where i feel Clear, meaning i have no voices in my head, i am not thinking that everything i encounter will lead to something bad which is where my thoughts go when i become irrational in my thinking. being Clear is wonderful, there are no voices in my head, my mood is level although i recently got bad news i can see the Light somewhere at the end of the tunnel. having a Clear is the completely opposite of having a Foggy day.
Foggy days consists of things that i manufacture in my head& that i Think Mean something when they don’t. a good example of a foggy day is when i stopped riding the bus for a week & didn’t anything because i was afraid that i had upset someone on the bus i was riding when i tried to get off. last summer when my brain took over my life i Walked all over the city, the bus became an object i Feared.
although things haven’t gotten that bad recently i still have to take a step back on my foggy days & concentrate on just the Basics in my life. i begin by telling myself that something that is becoming a trigger really isn’t anything for me to worry about, did that shrug really mean something or because i made into something. when the Something impedes my Entire day i will Freak out. i did this recently had made my boyfriend of the past half year make promises to me about things, just things in my head that wasn’t Real.
everyday becomes a maze in my head-what i am learning how to navigate between my foggy & clear days-that feel like a daily obstacle course i have get through. when i get passed them & i Feel good i know i made through the day without my mind creating little irrational stories in my head. when the stories don’t pop up i know that i am doing Good. today is one of my Good days, things feel Clear & easy to manage.
till next time, go outside-it’s like spring or something…..